From my Video Twenties to Thirty Something & Med School Bound

So I should be working on the second part of my previous post but have found neither the mind set nor cohesiveness to put it together. I was getting ready for my routine job of washing dishes, picking up every one's things off of the floor, couch and whatever inconceivable spot they managed to stick something when I thought about sharing a little bit of my future ambitions.

Picture it, Harlem, New York, 1984... just kidding. This isn't an episode of the Golden Girls (sorry, you have to know the show to understand that dry joke). Seriously, growing up I wanted nothing else but to be a doctor and a writer. Actually, I figured I would be a doctor who wrote books... but nothing to do with medicine (go figure!). As all of us do in life, I was faced with decisions and didn't make all the best ones. Instead of pre-med at Columbia, I started a two year school with a four month old baby. Without proper guidance, I thought that med school was no longer an option for me and looked for a short way to making money to support my new responsibility. I spent a year there before deciding I needed to be in a four year university where my "brilliance" could be put to use (hey, all those teachers and family members can't be wrong - lol). I worked full time for another year before starting my four year program.

I was now 22 and focused more on the writing part of my hopes and dreams. I was undeclared and bouncing around thoughts of a major until one day it came to me. I wish I could say that there were trumpets blowing and lights shining down from the heavens giving me this grand epiphanic experience... but it was definitely on the lack luster side of the scale. I loved movies, could always pick apart plots before a film would even get underway (I annoyed many of my fellow movie going friends with that one) and thought, "Wow, I could do this!" And at that moment, I had my major: "Media Communications specializing in Film & Video Production". The early part of my studies was in screenwriting and film history (I later graduated with a minor in history- world not film) - it was great. My junior and senior years focused more on the actual production part of filmmaking.

During all this time, I never shook my love of medicine. I didn't speak of it. It almost felt like I shouldn't speak about it but let someone bring up the subject and the little fire in my stomach would flare up. I felt like my time was really over and needed to focus on media. I guess I should have realized that I was still unsure... but hey that's what your twenties are for. Some are sure what they want to do with their lives from day one and some of us want to do so much that our trouble is what to tackle first! I was studying film production, writing a thesis on the Draft Riots of 1863 for my history honors program, researching the effects of HIV/AIDS on Black women for my Scholars fellowship, tutoring/teaching writing, and on top of that, I was trying to think about how to spearhead the next great woman's movement (still working on that one). I should have known my life was anything but ordinary. Anyway, I finally graduated and again faced bringing another little person into the world. I was now 26 with two children doing a little freelance camera work here and there and of all things, teaching to make a living.

I don't want to gloss over this next section because it has a lot to do with where I am now. I spent the next two years of my life not knowing what I was doing. I was often challenged by my dad (also the pastor of my church) to make moves in my field. I didn't understand it the first year and a half but I was frozen with fear. Even though I did take little jobs here and there, I didn't let myself go further. I kept looking at what I thought I didn't know compared to my peers. By the time I really understood that it was fear staring me in the face and that failing at something was better than not doing anything, I was on my way to my third child. It was a rough pregnancy and I could barely move let alone take over the world but my inside wo(man) had changed. By my 28th birthday I had begun offering professional video services and worked freelance on the projects of many of my peers. Whenever I face a new challenge (on any subject or level) and fear rears its ugly head, I ask a simple question, "What's the worst that could happen?" and the answer is always trivial at best... the person says no, i don't get what i want, i have to try again... oooh! Sounds silly, right? but these silly things hold many of us back... not me... not anymore. Now let's back track a little.

During my pregnancy, I had to stay five weeks in the hospital where my baby girl was born. I came to really love and respect my ObGyn. We talked often about life and family. I talked as well with many of the nurses and patient care aids (many of whom were studying to become nurses) and med students. If you're thinking about that fire in my stomach, you are so reading me right now. During one of my follow up appointments, I expressed the desire to possibly go back to school to be a physician's assistant. My Doctor said that it was a great idea, but he said "I hope you don't think you're too old for med school?" I felt like he could see right through me. I just smiled. He went on to tell me how he knew many people much older than me and with far more difficulties in terms of home life and responsibility. He even went on to tell me that his own wife started one career and went back to school and was also an ObGyn. It was a turn around for me.

I went back to school and began taking two of the seven classes I needed to qualify for medical school - it was not easy. My baby was not even one but I stuck it out for one semester. After another heart to heart talk with my dad, I realized something. One, I needed to finish something I started, video production and after a talk with God, I realized two, I was not in some race against time. I had already conquered the big "F" (fear) I knew that there was nothing for me to fear in anything. So what happens if I don't become the top documentary filmmaker? nothing. What happens if I never put my ideas down on paper and film the ones I'm passionate about? I'll have regret. I no longer believe in failure. I think failure is not trying something. There is an opportunity to learn from everything we do so there can never be failure in "doing". I can live with something turning out differently from what what I expected, but I can't live with the "what ifs". We have to stop thinking that we have to be #1 in everything. In some areas, we're meant to help people get to #1 in other areas we're meant to be #1. Life is a co-op. I will keep working my creative talents and cranking out those film projects and I will work towards obtaining my MD.

I am now 30 and getting ready to take another two classes towards medical school. My dad teased me once and asked if I was going to be a doctor at 50? You know something, I will. Although I want to be done with medical school by 36, I'm not pressed for time. Some people would look at my life and think that there's nothing so special about it. I look rather "content" and they would be right about the latter. I'm content because I know I'm doing everything I am suppose to be doing now. I'm working with what's on my plate, scoping out what's in front of me and gleaning what I need from what's behind me. I don't need to look busy. I have much work ahead making sure my family is straight and God already promised He has my back with everything else. Fear knows it has no place anymore in my house... and don't let him take root in yours. I have a lot to offer this world and I've only begun to use my talents. Maybe I won't be a doctor before I'm 50 but guess what? From the words of another mom who went back to school to become an MD: "I'm going to be 50 anyway!