This is an article I wrote for Mother's Day. It's lengthy but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.I was 19 when I became pregnant with my son. I was in the middle of deciding what college I was going to attend and suddenly I had to decide between breast and bottle. I was unmarried and a job at the gap was about as far I had traveled in the professional world. Looking back at that time and observing many inner city communities now, it’s easy to see that motherhood doesn’t always start with “once upon a time.” In many black & Hispanic communities, motherhood is indeed far from the fairytale image. For many, mother encompasses more than the traditional definition. Mothers play the role of mother, father, provider and anything else her family requires. These single mothers, often raised in single-family homes themselves, need the support of their surrounding communities and most important, the men who’ve helped produce their children.
I was born into a family of addicts. We had everything covered from smack to the horse tracks. My parents were never married and after my mother died of a heroin overdose, my grandmother took over my care. Midst her own alcohol demons, my grandmother worked hard to provide for me. She showered me with praise, told me how important it was to finish school and let me know I could be anything I wanted to be in life. She loved me and built in me the foundations of being a loving mother. I didn’t know it then, but what I wanted and needed in addition to that, was a father.
While experiences differ, many young women who grow up without a father are more likely to become pregnant in their teens. This is a reality for many women of color living in inner cities. The perpetuation of this lifestyle has birthed generations of single mothers and has led to the proliferation of the term, “baby mama.” Made popular through hip-hop songs and street jargon, the baby mama connotes more than just a single mother of a child. Its implications, while true in some cases, are for more demoralizing.
In one definition, the urban dictionary describes baby mamas as “ desperate, gold digging, emotionally starved women who had a baby out of spite or to keep a man.” Baby mamas are often depicted in music videos and songs as scorned women only interested in perpetuating drama for the fathers of their children. It’s sad that this image, this label often comes from the very men who father these children. Unable to offer the paternal presence they never received themselves, it is easier for them to justify their absenteeism by tearing down the mothers of their children.
If you take the time to talk to some of these so-called baby mamas, you will find that there are hopes of substance and longevity within these relationships. They are women with dreams and aspirations. Many have subconsciously looked to substitute fatherly love in amorous relationships. Coming from broken homes, these women don’t have a successful example by which to model their own relationships. This coupled with the fact that many of these men who come from fatherless homes and therefore lack paternal fortitude, results in another generation of children with little or no contact with their fathers. Seventy percent of black youths don’t live with their fathers and statistics show that these children are five times more likely to live in poverty and twice as likely to commit crime, drop out of school and/or abuse drugs and alcohol.
Women who fulfill the baby mama stereotype are the exception, not the rule. This misnomer casts a shadow over the majority of real single mothers trying to make it day to day. Midst the derogation, most single mothers fight for the same things their married counterparts fight for: a better life for their young. Some mothers give up themselves for the better of their children while others acquire the skills they need to better themselves and their children. While some mothers are clearly more successful than others, the love and effort for their children should not be discounted.
“Motherhood doesn’t come with a manual,” shares Kim L. of Queens. “As they grow, you grow.”
Jessica F. of Brooklyn says,” Before I was a mom, I never knew how intense it was.”
Jessica was a single mom when her first daughter was born nearly eleven years ago. She didn’t have the support needed from the father. She says her mother, “trial and error” and “motherly instinct” helped her get through the early years. Now in a successful relationship, Jessica has another daughter, but her desires for her children have remained consistent since the birth of her first child.
“I want my daughters to be secure and independent. I don’t want them to need validation from others.”
She also notes the difference in her dealings with her two daughters. Having to play both roles during her first daughter’s early years, she found that she was often harder on her. Not knowing an alternative, she did her best to ensure that her daughter would one day be able to stand on her own. She has the assistance now in raising her daughters and does not have to figure out the father role.
Like Jessica, I dealt primarily with trial and error and motherly instinct to help get through the early years with my son. We had very little monetarily, but the desire to succeed kept me going. I made many mistakes and my son had to deal with more than he should, but I found the support I needed to pull me out of the cycle. Now married, I see more than ever why children need a stable environment. Women need to be supported, especially by the men who come together with them to produce the next generation.
Some people say that your upbringing determines who or what you become. Some say that who you are is determined before birth. Hence, we have the nurture versus nature argument. While there may be exceptions to the rule, I’ve found that in most cases, true nurture will build a roadblock to a destructive path. We need our men to be fathers. We need to build up our little girls….and boys. When we stop tearing down our own, we will begin to raise up a generation purposed to the success of our people and begin to see the death of baby mama type attitudes. Mothers need to be able to provide a different start for their children’s lives to make lasting changes to their futures. Change begins with one person making a stand. Mothers want the best for their children and should be honored for what they do each day. Don’t wait until the second Sunday in May to celebrate mothers: everyday is Mother’s Day.
From one mother to all those out there, I see you and I salute you.
